CREDIT CRUNCH ....

I went to the ATM this morning and it said "insufficient funds".
............ I'm wondering is it them or me.

You know it's a credit crunch when...........

1. The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.
2. There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.
3. The IRS is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
4. UK Prime minister Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and
started sucking his thumb.
5. Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than US
dollars.

Q: What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between Investment Bankers and Pigeons?
A: The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's.

Q: What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
A: They both have frozen assets.

JOKE - Blind man and 4nuns

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church.

After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.

An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.

"Who is it?" they called out.

"I'm the blind man," came the reply.

The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them.
They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting.
They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.

........ "Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"

LOL .... from a friend.....

JOKE - Have a drink on the BLUE BULLS Rugby Team!

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please."

Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Formula One racing and the latest cricket scores.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... 'bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u a B-L-U-E B-U-L-L s-u-p-p-o-r-t-e-r-?"

LOL ... from a friend ....

JOKE - Koos and the Queen ...

Koos Van der Merwe is invited to have lunch with the Queen.

While sitting at her table he says to her: "Jislaaik, ... you know Queen you have got such a nice house, and you know Queen your clothes are so nice and you know Queen your food is so lekker!"

The Queen gets hacked off with this entire "Queen" bit and says to Van: "Mr. Van der Merwe, you should not be calling me Queen all the time. My correct title is "Your Highness".

Koos: "Jislaaik, ... that is a coincidence, my brother's name is also Johannes.

LOL .... from a friend ....

QUICK TIP - Oily fish to make you a “social-chatting-king”!

Did you know that Omega-3 fatty acids helps brain cells communicate messages properly? Fat is fundamental for your brain to function properly.

Thus, before you go running out for chips, hamburgers and hotdogs before your party rather get some food that can boost your brain to be more “clued up” during conversations.

A nice, oily portion of fish like mackerel and salmon will do the “trick” and could have you feeling more alert and confident.

How Far ....... ?

How far can you trust a friend .......?

Mike left to go help in the Crusades and decided that his wife should wear a chastity belt (Steel underwear).

So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend, Frank.
Mike, "If I'm not back in two years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So, Mike leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees Frank.

"What's wrong?" He asks.

Sipho replies. "You gave me the wrong key!"

10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN PREFER DOGS AS A COMPANION ............

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another name.

3. Dogs love it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

5. A dog's parents never visit.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

10. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

LOL ..... from a friend ......

Pastor's business card ....

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He then took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was , "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

LOL .......

Financial advise for the hard times ...

Good advise from a friend of mine ........

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.

With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.

With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer/soft drinks (in cans)one year ago, had drunk all of the beer/soft drinks, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

LOL........

College Entrance Exam

Some questions for an A-Level entry exam at a college.

A-LEVEL QUESTIONS .....
Rules: #Each Question is 25 points. #You have one minute to complete the questions. #You must be correct with two of the three questions to proceed.

1. Continue this sequence in a logical way:

M T W T _ _ _

2. Correct this formula with a single "line-stroke":

5 + 5 + 5 = 550

3. Please write anything on the line below:

------------------------------------------------


##########################





THE ANSWERS:

1. M T W T F S S

(Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday)

2. 5 4 5 + 5 = 550

3. anything

TyPiCaL wOrK wEeK

From a friend of mine . . .

JOB APPLICATION

An actual job application of a person - recieved from a friend of mine.
They actually hired him because of his creativity .........

NAME: Kenneth Wayche (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy sexy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

NS. ***Old People Rock! ***

“BRAAING”-MEAT WITH MARINADE

#Marinade with a low sugar content: You can baste the meat throughout the braaing with the marinade.

#If sugar content is high: Baste in the last quarter of braaing time, as high sugar content causes charring and the drying out the meat.

A good night’s sleep ........

#Switching off :
Relaxing at the end of a busy day is essential. Take a nice warm bath - try essential oils like mandarin, vanilla or lavender; they are proven to have a relaxing effect on your mind and senses.

#Consider what you eat :
Some food and drinks like fatty foods, sugary foods and coffee can lead to sleeplessness. Foods and drinks like figs, bananas, tuna, yoghurt and milk are believed to encourage a good night’s sleep.

QUICK TIP – KEEP YOUR DRAINS CLEAN

Clean your drains at least ones a month with a mixture of one teaspoon of chlorine bleach added to 4 cups of water – mix well and wash it down your sink.

Men Do Remember Anniversaries!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown, goes downstairs and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember!" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

He continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have been released today."


.... from a friend of mine ....

Spelling is very important in life!

Jhon's wife collapses and phones for an ambulance.

"Address please" they asked.

"4 Eucalyptus Street" Jhon replied.

"Spell it please"

..long long silence....

"Eishhhhhh, if I drag her to Oak street can u pick her up there?"